Battling the beast

Okay, I have some more to say,
 a bitter lesson to learn, about myself and my health, and what to say,
and how to respect earn in every single way.
 I still have this beast inside of me which I feel I have no control,
 takes my body,
 stole my tongue and leaves me behind.
 I have good attributes, I'm kind but and you may have known me in many ways,
 a worthless bitch or a girl to praise,
 or just heard how I spent my days. 
When the beast takes control it's a force above me,
that hurts the most the ones who love me.
 If someone is hurting the ones I love, beast has no pause,
 bares its claws and ignores all warning to run to attack,
 I will without warning stab you in the back.
 I am a beast that has a pack, and my pack I love dearly, but it's not clear to me, 
why I disappear and make them fear. 
This beast inside of me is because of those who've bruised, used, lied to me. 
Guess it's my subconscious guiding me but sending people away 
and ending up in this lost place. 
It's the burden, the beast I have to face. 
I'll love you like a deer just born to the earth, 
defend you like walls and with all my worth, 
until all my talking can see your weakened legs walking. 
I gallop in a herd, and then the release of a word 
has them powering away from me, 
I drive them not to stay with me. 
Then it leaves me like this, 
I'm not to be trusted my armor has rusted 
and all I wanted was to keep you close. 
Keep my little birds in my nest, not this test of who will stick. 
I've got love in here but the wounds are thick. 
I'll have to start again, just as I did then, 
find a V-shaped flight in the sky to see if I can with join with them and fly. 
It breaks my heart every time, 
and I whip myself in remorse for letting life run its course 
because that's what it's gotta be? 
I'm finding out my destiny, who will rest with me, 
it's just a test, building your own nest. 
When the beast is dead, then will I be reborn?
 or will I be nothing, broken and torn. 
God help me, give me a sign? 
is it just nature or is it your design?
 that I'm not learning this lesson, do I not have you're blessing?
 I can be a beast but also your friend, 
just don't know where it starts and where it ends, 
now once again I have to defend, 
speak now, for I am weak now, if you have hope to lend?