Little Quotes of Mine

"Bad friends are like short term memory loss, completely forgettable, especially after a spliff"

"Friends feel like sand, amazing to lay (rely) on, difficult to walk through, can easily slip through your fingers and leave residue....everywhere"

"You can't have a God without the Devil, you just got to know when to chuck the Devil out so God can come over, nobody said the Devil shouldn't have been there, and everyone knew it would be fun"

"Finding yourself is like remembering something that you put somewhere safe...but have no idea where it is now"

"Regret is what reminds you that once you held something to be important, if you feel there is good riddance to the loss, they were never important anyway"

"Parents are SUPPOSED to be embarrassed of you, even a Doctor or Lawyer's Mum and Dad probably don't stop criticizing them... they are there for that role...to make you feel like you aren't achieving... it's why you keep pushing yourself"  Lucy Loveheart

"Everybody, everything, every act, every loss, every gain teaches our soul a lesson, it is all planned for us before birth, and we walk into the next life, to be reborn, our soul having learnt from the last life"

Borderline Personality Disorder/ Emotionally unstable personality disorder

Confession/ Admittance/ Update


My Psychiatrist thinks it's more than just Bipolar type 1... they are working on my diagnosis and adding to it Borderline Personality disorder (Emotionally unstable personality disorder) along with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of everything I've been through.

Just gonna copy and paste here, but essentially this is what I've been experiencing, maybe you'll understand me more:

Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others.

These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

The causes of borderline personality disorder (BPD) are unknown. Genetic, family, and social factors are thought to play roles.

Risk factors for BPD include:

• Abandonment in childhood or adolescence
• Disrupted family life
• Poor communication in the family
• Sexual abuse

This personality disorder tends to occur more often in women and among hospitalized psychiatric patients.

Symptoms

People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly.

People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.

Other symptoms of BPD include:

• Fear of being abandoned
• Feelings of emptiness and boredom
• Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
• Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
• Intolerance of being alone
• Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing

Signs and tests

Like other personality disorders, BPD is diagnosed based on a psychological evaluation and the history and severity of the symptoms.

Treatment

Many types of individual talk therapy, such as dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), can successfully treat BPD. In addition, group therapy can help change self-destructive behaviors.

In some cases, medications can help level mood swings and treat depression or other disorders that may occur with this condition.

Expectations (prognosis)

The outlook depends on how severe the condition is and whether the person is willing to accept help. With long-term talk therapy, the person will often gradually improve.

Complications

• Depression
• Drug abuse
• Problems with work, family, and social relationships
• Suicide attempts and actual suicide
  
  
  From this source:
  http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001931/
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Please please let me get better!!!!!!
  
  
  

  
  

Battling the beast

Okay, I have some more to say,
 a bitter lesson to learn, about myself and my health, and what to say,
and how to respect earn in every single way.
 I still have this beast inside of me which I feel I have no control,
 takes my body,
 stole my tongue and leaves me behind.
 I have good attributes, I'm kind but and you may have known me in many ways,
 a worthless bitch or a girl to praise,
 or just heard how I spent my days. 
When the beast takes control it's a force above me,
that hurts the most the ones who love me.
 If someone is hurting the ones I love, beast has no pause,
 bares its claws and ignores all warning to run to attack,
 I will without warning stab you in the back.
 I am a beast that has a pack, and my pack I love dearly, but it's not clear to me, 
why I disappear and make them fear. 
This beast inside of me is because of those who've bruised, used, lied to me. 
Guess it's my subconscious guiding me but sending people away 
and ending up in this lost place. 
It's the burden, the beast I have to face. 
I'll love you like a deer just born to the earth, 
defend you like walls and with all my worth, 
until all my talking can see your weakened legs walking. 
I gallop in a herd, and then the release of a word 
has them powering away from me, 
I drive them not to stay with me. 
Then it leaves me like this, 
I'm not to be trusted my armor has rusted 
and all I wanted was to keep you close. 
Keep my little birds in my nest, not this test of who will stick. 
I've got love in here but the wounds are thick. 
I'll have to start again, just as I did then, 
find a V-shaped flight in the sky to see if I can with join with them and fly. 
It breaks my heart every time, 
and I whip myself in remorse for letting life run its course 
because that's what it's gotta be? 
I'm finding out my destiny, who will rest with me, 
it's just a test, building your own nest. 
When the beast is dead, then will I be reborn?
 or will I be nothing, broken and torn. 
God help me, give me a sign? 
is it just nature or is it your design?
 that I'm not learning this lesson, do I not have you're blessing?
 I can be a beast but also your friend, 
just don't know where it starts and where it ends, 
now once again I have to defend, 
speak now, for I am weak now, if you have hope to lend?

Happy Birthday Dad

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVID LEATHLEY!!

(Daddy)




Dad's Website for his Chambers:

http://www.cambriachambers.co.uk/

Grey hairs appear upon the side of my hair,
 genetically, phonetically I am his heir. 
He is mr toad, poop pooping down the road, 
can shift info sensible mode when he has his wig and cloak,
 can all stigma revoke when you see he is a man of high class, 
but when put to the task a man of the people, helped so many,
 would give his last pound and his last penny,
 man so kind but man of such mind nothing he can't teach me, 
nowhere he can't reach me, to pick me up, here comes my father, 
the one I'd rather be with, my true idol, 
and like his own he is a lone ranger, 
feels stranger to himself and doubts his power and wealth,
 but I'm proud of you my dad, though I know I make you sad. 
You want the best for me and trust me the rest of me 
will keep going, because knowing I am your blood keeps me fighting.
 Wrongs il keep righting because I am the blood line
 so there's my sign that justice prevails, because of all the tales 
of his mastery, his history and I am proud to be raised. 
My father is praised by me, 
I want you to see, that father I love you with all my heart, 
you are the best part of me. 
You are my family.
 I'l do my best dad, 
I'l fight, I'l save, I'l always be brave,
 il try to do right.
 I'l even put on the Wig and gown and stand in court,
 because I'm your daughter 
and I'm so glad to be.
 I might be mad you see but so are you. 
Are we mad really? We are two.
 I'l grit my teeth and pace towards the face of the ugly, be it good or bad. 
You're the man with no name, but you're my dad.
 I'll wear The poncho proud, and Il shout Out loud 
'hes David Leathley, barrister of law' he Is my maker, my Muse and More. 
Im such a mystic river that sometimes I don't deliver. 
I don't seem to be glad to be his gene. 
But I guess its how I've ever survived all I've seen. 
Might be an irritation to you but im the creation of you. 
This is a 44 magnum pointed at you punk!
and this poem MIGHT be junk, 
but make my day? 
Just have a happy birthday.

Update. Success or failure?

Some amazing news: been offered a contract from a publisher endorsed by Stephen Fry to publish my own book: Collection of some of my poetry... But mood is all over the place. Home treatment team have finally decided I'm showing a positive recovery but my friends think different.  Wish I understood.  Wish I knew how to control myself.  Wish I didn't care so much.  Better or Worse?
I might be potentially 'published' (my childhood dream) but what am I actually Winning?
No poetry here, just a diary entry... writer's block?

Power of Three

So the witch was burned at the stake,
but returned, the maker
put back the ashes to bake her form
and in it came the hell blown storm
By the power of replacing three
you will suffer for what you've done to me
You watched the fire then run from me
you cast the stones whilst bearing sin
now the power comes from inside, within
to the night bird, and his absurd bastard whore
you wait and see what is in store
you hurt me more than you can think of
now I'll bring you on the brink of the end
your days have been happy, happy to spend
my money on you, happy to give my energy
to you, but there was no remedy for
the cruelty of nature, the trees and the wood
mirrored cruelty and smoke in glass
You could never have understood
and it will come to pass
that your wretched ways
will be stretched in days
and you will have no release,
no solace or peace,
and you hurt me more than those who drew out blood
you brought the fire, you gathered the wood
the coal, brought a torch
to watch me scorch
but I resurrect and can correct
your punishment is direct.
By the power of the Moon and Sun,
so the magic becomes so done
 The power of three, power of three
He loses her, she loses him, they both lost me.

Burning at the Stake

Ok, so now I'm getting obsessed,
so I'll say it once more before I give it a rest.
You are burning me at the stake,
just because I didn't want to act fake.
I need you, need you guys,
I'm crying my eyes out here,
I'm sighing the lies away,
just forgive me, okay?
I'm not a bad girl,
sometime's I'm a whirl wind,
a force of great destruction,
crumble buildings in the eruption of my will.
 I got hurt by someone, and it makes me ill.
Makes me take it out on everyone I love,
so please see above all this rubble.
I'm stuck within a bubble and
I'm in a lot of trouble and I'm completely on my one.
Help me pop it so I can be the me that's fun.
This is my last cry for help, my attention seeking plea.
Can't you see that ignoring is destroying me?
What did I do? Stab you? rape you? hurt you?
 All I did was show I wont desert you.
 I said what I thought was best for you
 and you've made into a test that's meant I've lost.
 It will be at your own cost,
you won't ever find another friend like me.
 A friend that has love to send like me,
why are you turning away from me?
why you burning me at the stake?
just for one simple mistake of shouting at you,
 I wasn't doubting you I was trying to guide.
I've lost everything now, even my pride.
What I'm trying to say is I miss you,
so don't dismiss me.
Can't you reminisce on the good times we shared?
can't you remember how you cared?
I've lost everything in losing you.
You probably think it's amusing too.
 I'm gonna sleep and hope this is over when I wake.
 I'm gonna go to sleep now, burning at the stake.

Call me an Ambulance

So today i'm on a low and it shows, 
who knows if it stays or goes,
 I'm as needy as you can get yet as speedy to regret 
my actions and there is little or no satisfaction, 
and definitely no distraction. 
I've been wrong and maybe deserve some punishment,
 but more importantly I need some nourishment. 
I need to feed my breaking heart for it to restart pumping. 
My heart has stopped and my head is thumping 
and so help jump start it for your part.
 Some people are showing me support which I can't ignore,
 but I'm lacking the presence of those I adore. 
This doesn't feel right, my chest is tight, can't breathe, 
can't relieve my restricted airways, 
can't spend my days like this. 
Tell me what I need to do, 
to help me pull through. 
Put me on a drip, 
so the goodness can slip into my veins
and ease my many pains. 
The pain of loss, the pain of cost,
the frost bite that has bitten my toes,
 can't keep my feet on the ground. 
I'm deaf, I can't hear the sound of happy voices all around. 
I've got no doctor, got no nurse, 
just getting worse and worse. 
So where are you all?
 I've had a fall. 
Help me up, pick me up off the floor. 
I can't do this, I can't take it anymore.

Are you gonna stick with me?

You said you'd stick by me, forever, to the end, 
only took a bend in the rule to have me looking like a fool. 
Things are destroyed, everyone is annoyed at me because I lost my self,
 in grief and poor health.
 I needed you to stick with me but you're sick of me,
 you've made a right prick of me and now the clock is tock-tick for me.
Time's running out, I'm spinning out, 
my hair is thinning now,
 coming out in clumps when I'm tearing it,
 and you're all sharing in swearing to tell me I've had my last chance.
 I tried to stay strong in my stance in this pathetic bicker, 
but it's making me sicker. 
Either you stand by me, or you go, 
either give a hand to me or know, 
you were never a true friend after all. 
Bend, break, brittle, fall. 
Are you with me or against me? 
are you my comrade or my foe? do you really even know?
 I said what I said out of love, I'm not ashamed of it, 
won't be blamed for it, so guess this is the end of the game. 
Such a fucking shame, thought ties were tough but they turn out to be tame. 
Very few are in my halls of fame of those that last,
 very few, unlike you will last.
 Maybe you saved yourself, and got out in time, 
just before the shit hit the fan. 
Or maybe guys, you could of stuck with the plan. 
You hit the road, did one, ran. You never will stick it, never could or can.

Acceptance and Remorse

Okay, so the drone,
 by double, my clone 
speaks through me more than known before,
 thought meds could help it heal the sore,
 but red the mist will make it raw.
 Like a papercut, must be nuts, when use these knives as papercuts. 
The mist isn't red its black, once it's made known, 
can't come back from fallen throne. 
I regret what I say,
gonna do it anyway 
but I say what I do in anger and hurt,
 but the worst is a say with passion,spitting through love. 
Just understand me and my ways, 
the black mist hazes over me, the evil raises over me. 
Im still here, but I've gone wrong, 
my hand reaches out for another to grip and pull me to shore, 
lifeboats? Out there, there's just one more. 
Save me, I'l behave, don't put me in the grave, 
six feet under, lightening and thunder, 
will you forgive, I wonder? 
Here's my cry out SOS, I confess, now I need the best.

You sure as hell don't deserve me at my best

If you can't ride the rollercoaster you won't be getting the most out of me, 
the best out of me, it's a test you see, 
whose worth riding out the whole journey. 
You think you're worthy? you gotta take the drops and the shudders on the track, 
you gotta think that there's no turning back. 
I'm gonna make you feel dizzy and sick,
 feel like you can't stick it.
 I sometimes won't act myself and seem wicked and wrong. 
But that's just me, you have to be strong. 
Before the deep low there's a magical show
 that's amazing to be around. 
You think you've found the best person ever,
 amazing, smart, thoughtful and clever. 
That's what you say about me.
 Question is, will you stay with me when I fall? 
will you answer when I call? 
I'm hard work, and that's understating, 
someone you love or someone you will be hating.
But Marilyn Monroe was in the know when she pointed out you can't have the plus sides without the rough rides. You can't enjoy my good attributes and then ditch me in disputes. 
You don't deserve the coaster high if your gonna say goodbye when I drop to my knees.
 I'm not just a show girl there to please,
 I'm complex as you can get, probably more complex than you've ever met. 
I'm gonna make you laugh, and then i'll make you cry, 
you'll want to be my best friend and then you'll see the torment, 
you'll be so glad you met me then repent the day you caught sight of me. 
This is not doing right by me.
 I'm a rollercoaster, highs and lows, 
if you stick with me you'll know that it shows I'll get back to top form right after the storm.
 But you don't deserve to see me in all my glory,
 if you close the book at the rough part of the story.
 If you wan't the amazing high, you gotta take the terrible low, 
and if you deserve me, you gotta understand, you gotta know.

Running away from me

Sometimes when something bad has happened I retreat, 
into a past state, I repeat the past hate. 
I've got no control, can't help it, 
feels like I have no soul because this evil thing has happened 
and so I must deserve every second of this pain.
 It's what causes me to act strange, act insane.
 I needed to be told everything was gonna be okay, 
it wasn't my fault, be nice to hear.
 But people run from me, run in fear. 
"You're fucked up, I don't want to know you, 
I'd rather piss off than show you life can be worth living."
 "I've got too much of my own stuff to sort, without giving any attention to you. 
But I'll update my facebook status and mention you."
 Well done, point well made, doesn't change the fact that I'm beginning to fade 
and no one is here to come to my aid. 
They've washed their hands because I've made demands, 
and the grains of sands in the timer are running out for us. 
I'll have to move on, in time, and start a new, something I always have to do. 
Just wished you could have seen past what I did or said,
 because I was in pain, the mist was red, just like you said. 
Till death do us part, so breaks my heart, 
and things have been said, may as well be dead, 
so I'm not gonna get out of bed.
 I'll act just like a dead body, not moving because I've got nobody. 
Just put me to sleep, to sleep I wish to be, 
because being awake, alone, is agony, unknown.